By Anonynymous, ’24. Fiction.
Acting is an art form used to entertain audiences. Many people praise actors for their performances, after witnessing characters blooming to life. Actors are like godly beings able to hold each and every character in their grasp. They are able to control their own emotions far better than any regular person. They are successful beings who rarely struggle. At least, that’s what I thought before becoming one myself. Godly beings able to hold each and every character in their grasp? Hardly. More like these characters are the ones who have you at gunpoint. Trapped in role after role, I dance in the palm of the director’s hand for all the world to see. Controlling emotions? Sure, I may be stone faced on the outside, but behind this facade I feel myself shattering. Successful? Sure my stage name, Eris, is making a name for herself, but rarely struggling? Please, who in their right mind would underestimate the job of a star? Many people. My past self included. What I thought would be a life of roses and red carpets turned to a life of a 24/7 show. I live my life picking and choosing which mask to put on for different people. What would people like to see? What should I avoid showing? I mix and match traits like a game. A perfect facade. The life of a faker.
And yet, I still prefer this fake life rather than my old one.
At home, I felt ignored and invisible.
At home, I felt alone and confused.
At home, I felt cautious and scorned. But here!
Here, I felt heard and focused on.
Here, I felt together and realized.
Here, I felt safe and loved.
Loved…Maybe not so much directed towards Ava, the boring, sad, lifeless girl. But for Eris. The mischievous, cunning, charming star.
Where did she even come from? She must have seduced the director. She doesn’t deserve to be on stage. Those are some of the many comments Eris gets. It isn’t so bad to be honest. I mean, she has so many others who love her: God, I wish I were Eris. She’s an inspiration! She’s perfect. People admire Eris for her bold and daring personality. She is known for her outgoing nature and standing by her opinions. But that’s all a mask. A perfectly forged mask just for Eris.
But recently, this mask has started to crack. And to prevent it from breaking entirely, I take that perfect mask off. And then I’m just Ava. The girl who lost her laugh. I miss her so much. But I can’t abandon Eris for too long. Instead of living free into the spirits of life, I choose to dance in the palm of the director’s hand for all the world to see. I perform scene after scene after scene, the exhaustion piling up more and more. But I can’t show it. I must never show weakness, and I must be seen as a reliable and strong individual.
But what if I can’t hold it together any longer? These cracks are getting bigger and bigger by the second. Ava is slowly revealing herself to the world, slipping through the cracks that were formed, and I can’t help but wonder: What will happen after? What will happen to Eris and her many fans? Would they be disappointed? I’m sure they would. Acting may be an art form, but it is one with a deceitful nature. And actors, who utilize this art as a weapon, are the ultimate liars. They choose their weapon of choice daily. Would they adapt the sweet, caring character today? Or a more flamboyant and charming nature? What started as a job of passion became integrated into my daily life. When I go to my favorite coffee shop for example, and I know the cashier admires me, I get into character. A sweet, shy, and humble girl usually allows me to snag another donut or two for free. Or when a crazy fan gets in my way, I become the more eccentric, outgoing, and fun Eris in order to please them and the internet. Sounds fun? It’s not. It’s exhausting. I became an insincere snake who is slowly losing herself of originality. Even though Eris has millions of fans and friends, Ava has no one. Being the host of the personality Eris, as an actor, I feel I am the only one in this world. I wonder, does anyone feel the same as me? Can anyone understand this struggle? Maybe. Perhaps everyone is acting without knowing it. For all I know everyone may be just as deceitful as I am. Afterall,
The world’s a stage.
redinkmag 